Intro: In 2007, the motherhood capital was the Russian government support to family there are two, three, or more children (born or adopted). The conditionals of getting motherhood capital were changed in 2020. Now any Russian family with a child (born or adopted) has a chance to get the support. However, parents could spend the money only for: improving living conditionals, monthly pension, social adaptation of disabled children or getting an education…
«He is married, I wonder?» — Sofia was sitting alone at the table for three. She was making so many efforts for did not watch on her wristwatch. Each second slashed her as a horse on riding. Trying to distract, she started to observe guests. An attractive waiter took an order from a young couple who was sitting on the left. He gave them advice. Sofia strained her hearing.
«If you wish to try something new, I would highly recommend you a warm salad with duck. I am sure you will not regret it!» — the waiter was smiling. Sofia did not have doubts that his smile is true. The warm salad with duck. She did notice in her mind and looked around. Open kitchen, glass roof, modern interior in Scandinavian style seems simple and organic. She did not like it. Sofia went back to the wristwatch.
They were late already. Indeed, they did it on purpose, want to play on her nerves, and look how far she decided to go. However, Sofia fulled of courage to finish everything. She pinched herself by hand, which was picking lavender polish from nails, ordered another glass of water, and till a waiter (not the attractive one) will not bring it, Sofia took a handbag and went to the restroom for checking makeup and adding fresh «zlich» her new perfume: something in the middle between L’imperatrice by Dolche&Gabbana and air freshener from public toilet.
When Sofia went back to the hall, she saw him and squeaked accidentally. He raised up his eyes at her, snorted, and went back to the menu. She was going through the tables clumsily and did not notice how she dropped a woman’s bag hanging on the chair’s back. She was so happy to see him.
«Hello, dear!» — she twittered. «Oh Gosh, you are so skinny!» — Sofia hugged him. His pale face was sunk in her chest.
«Hello. Just tired.» — his voice sounded like white noise. Sofia was staring at him. His rough fingers were sliding through menu pages. The fuel oil had eaten into the skin. Two deep wrinkles appeared on the forehead.
«Tell me about something! We have not seen since ages. How are you doing? What about your job? Any news?» — Sofia could not hold emotions. Words were flying out from her mouth like bullets from the machine gun. He frowned.
«There is nothing that I can tell you. Everything is fine.» — he took a pause and looked at the «meat plate» after he noticed the price and continue exploring the menu.
«What’s new?»
«Nothing.»
«What do you do at free time?»
«Nothing special.»
«Did you get a promotion?»
«Nope.»
It seems like Sofia decided to break a concrete wall using only her own head. Her determination was beaten by each simple and colorless response. The week’s list of questions was almost over. But still…Sofia was not going to give up.
«What about your private life? Did you meet someone?» — she knew how he painfully reacts to such a question, but she did not care. Only one thing she wanted, to see his emotions, whatever it could be. And she reached her goals. Sofia broke the mask. In his sight, she noticed anger and hurt.
«No!» — he was trying to pull the mask on again, but the chaos she created inside did not give in. It will take some time to return his calmness, and the both of them knew it.
«Philip, listen, I know it is not my business, and I do not rush you, but you should think…» — Sofia took a short sip of water and shrugged. «We with your father were getting married when we were..» — in her mind; she was going through all scandals, quarrels, tantrums, and thoughts about divorce and trying to remember the times when their marriage was a miracle when she was young and loved. How old was she? Now Sofia even was not sure that all this happened to her.
«Hi, guys! Sorry I was late. I had some work tasks.» A short kiss on the cheek went back to Sofia in the restaurant hall. The voice was familiar. She had a strong smell of medicine purity.
«Hello, sweetheart! Sit down! Oh, I am glad to see you!» — Sofia bloomed. She rubbed her nose.
«Did I miss something interesting?» — she tried to kiss her brother, but he dashed on the other side.
«Not much. We just talking about you — a little star in our family!» — Philip said that with a high nasty voice. Sofia frowned.
«Anita, darling, ignore him. Here you are, the menu. Philip did you choose something?» — she started to worry about this idea to have dinner together. Sofia was fidgeting. It looks like somebody plug electricity into her chair. She could not find an attractive waiter. Where is he? Oh, there he is, next to the bar. He did not notice her raised hand.
«Okay, I would try baked chicken legs, mashed potatoes, and a glass of dark beer» — Philip closed the menu and threw it in the middle of the table. Sofia pursed her lips. «What is the matter?» — he noticed that and glanced straight into his mother’s eyes.
«What? I don’t..» — Sofia, confused. She looked at Anita, who pretended that it’s not her business.
«You don’t like my choice, do you..» — that was no question. Philip seemed relaxed, but in his eyes, Sofia saw the freezing reproach.
«I didn’t say a word!» — she screamed. People at the nearest table suddenly stop talking. Philip sniffed.
«Basically, you don’t need words. I can read everything on your «special» face.»
«Which face..?!» — Anita wanted to change the topic, but it was too late. Philip was gritting his teeth and said.
«This exact face! You always purse lips and try not to roll your eyes when you disagree or judge someone for the wrong choice. However, you are right; you do not say that. Instead, you take a deep breath and show anybody what you do not care, and you do not want to notice that, but literally you have done it already!» — Sofia could not find words. She was looking for support from her daughter.
«Philip, please stop it.» — Anita put aside the menu. «We just wanted to have a good evening. Remember?»
«Why did you think so?» — he answered.
«Good evening! Are you ready to make an order?» — the attractive waiter whom Sofia was waiting the whole evening saved the situation. Finally, he came. His friendly smile and warm sight of green eyes calmed her down. Sofia cleaned her throat and twittered.
«Yes, please. I would like to order lasagna and Aperol spritz!» — the attractive waiter nodded. Sofia recognized that as a «perfect choice.»
«Fettuccine Alfredo and glass of Pinot Grigio.» — Philip was staring at mother, who made too much effort to keep equanimity. The attractive waiter took notes and turned to Anita.
«What about you, ma’am?» — she embarrassed and mumbled she had not chosen yet.
«Honey, you must try the warm salad with duck! It is a new position on the menu. I am sure you will definitely like it!» — Sofia was satisfied with herself. However, she knew with this phrase, will kill two birds with one stone. Firstly, her daughter will be on her side, and, secondly, she impressed the attractive waiter.
«Thank you mother, I’m a vegetarian since I went to the university.» — Anita continued reading the menu. Philip chuckled.
«Fine. I’m going to come a little bit later» — the attractive waiter clicked a pen and left. The stone was whistling in the air; birds flew away. Sofia was burning from her own foolishness.
«Oh, why you didn’t help me with choice, I wonder?» — asked Philip.
«You deal with it without my help.»
«Exactly. All my childhood in one short sentence.»
«Anita» — Sofia decided to ignore Philip’s comments and turned all attention to her daughter. She admired her. She was so young and gorgeous; Anita literally was shining inside. Successful husband and high salary job. Anita seemed like an illustration of a modern woman’s happiness.
«Everything is great, thank you….»
«Oh, I would be amazed if it was different.» — Philip interfered. Anita wanted to tell them about a couple of really fascinating medical cases, but her brother’s phrase embarrassed her. So she went back to set bruschetta on the menu. Sofia refused to follow Philip’s behavior and carry on.
«What’s new from Alexander?» — she didn’t know what she expected more: Anita’s response or Philip’s poisoned comment. But, of course, if he says something, we would quarrel.
«He is fine,» — said Anita carefully — «in last week we came over to his family. He introduced me to his young sister. I suppose we will get along with her.» — she imagined that she had a conversation with two incurable patients. Anita had a soft voice. Also, she could find the essential words without any effort. Sister turned to Philip and touched his hand — «By the way, he always asks me about you. He wants to meet!»
«Oh, can’t wait..» — Philip removed his hand. — «Just text me, I’ll come.»
«You would not come if she threatens you.» — Anita and Philip looked at mother, who was observing at open kitchen bustling. It seemed like she said it by accident.
«Pardon?» — Philip bowed his head. Anita rapidly raised her hand with hope the attractive waiter noticed that.
«Oh, stop this show! You’re trying to provoke us, and you’re doing it very well, I would say.» — Sofia hid her arms under the table because of her unrest. Petals of lavender polish from nails fall on her dress. «All this evening, you dream about confrontation. Why?» — the unpleasant silence appeared for several long minutes. Anita blindly was staring at the degree of doneness of steaks. Sofia hid her spoiled manicure in her fists. She didn’t have any courage to raise her eyes on her son. Finally, the attractive waiter brought the orders.
«Still can’t decide?» — he smiled.
«Give me five extra minutes, please.» — Anita thought he was waiting here, but the young man nodded and was going to check the hall.
«Are you sure you want to know?» — it looks like Philip’s face melted because of the pasta’s heat. «Well, I’ll say why, but before tell me why you organized all this shit? For what? What are we doing here? Why you invited her?» — he pointed to Anita’s side.
«Because I wanted to fix everything!» — Sofia screamed. For a moment, the whole restaurant freeze. The silent stage. Centers of all over the world moved to this particular table for three. Everyone was staring at their side. Even light was concentred above of them. Sofia was burning inside. Loneliness, misunderstanding, and anguish literally were tearing her apart. Credo of motherhood — sacrifice her own life and career for her children. She gave everything she’d ever had. She endured her ungrateful husband, did not leave him because she wanted to give her children a happy childhood.
Moreover, now, when they are sitting here as adults, she does not recognize them. So her children became strangers for her and for each other. Furthermore, she does not have any proof that her life has a sense.
And in addiction, the worst thing is that Sofia has no idea how she can explain it? How turns emotional chaos into a stream of words? She does not know. Furthermore, till she was building her speech by pieces from women novels and TV series, Philip gulped a wine, and for the first time during this evening, was allowed to say something from the heart.
«It’s too late. You’ve ruined my life till I was born. I’m a child for getting the motherhood capital. I’m a tool that helped to create the best future for your daughter. How convenient, isn’t it? In your opinion, only Anita in the whole family had some ambitions and perspectives. You were sculpting the Human from her so passionate that you forgot about another little creature that was ready to do anything for your attention. Did you know that since childhood I was keen on music? Did you remember how you blocked musical TV channels and forced me to do math? No, of course, you didn’t. Because of all this stuff, you did it automatically. You switched maternal autopilot mode on and did it, because you didn’t want to waste power. And look at me now — I have a hated job in auto-service, get an extremely low salary and scared of change something because I don’t believe in myself. I always weigh each sign from anybody because I’m afraid of giving them more. I can’t force myself to be sure that somebody loves me or needs me. And how you fix it, I wonder?» — Philip had never told his mother about his feelings and fears more openly than now. All barriers which hold back his anger and hurt cracked. He still had so many things to say, but he stopped. It was definitely not that case when you spill the beans for getting better. Basically, if he doesn’t stop, everything will be getting worse.
He looked at mother and sister. Both of them couldn’t rise up their eyes on him. He looked around and understood that people heard his story. And now, anybody desperately wanted to go back to their conversation and don’t pay attention to Philip. Everything seemed like a really bad TV show. Philip realized he couldn’t sit here anymore. His appetite is gone. He took one more gulp of wine and threw the cash from his inner pocket. «Anita, darling, do you wanna some pasta? Without meat as you like. It’s on me.» — and Philip left. Nobody didn’t find any reason to stop him.
«Oh, God. Unbelievable.» — they kept silent for a long time till Anita put aside the menu. «I’ve never ever thought we have so much in common.» — Sofia was starving, but she didn’t dare to start eating.
«What do you mean?» — she asked, thinking that she doesn’t want to hear the response. Anita was glancing at the main entrance where a moment ago were her younger brother.
«I mean our childhood. I always thought he was happy. You gave him so much freedom. He could do whatever he wants. He was breathing full of his chest, and I, at the same time literally gasping because of your pressure. You were everywhere. You imposed and filtered everything: from my cartoons list to profile subjects. Philip said you were sculpting the Human, but he was wrong. You just tried to create a better version of yourself. Everything which you weren’t able to do in your life you wanted to do in my life. And what’s the result? I don’t know myself. Who is that, Anita? It’s a young and more successful Sofia’s version. I’m not quite sure I love medicine as much as you. Questions about my tastes and preferences confuse me because I don’t know the answers. In my mind, I always go back to you and try to predict what you would say if you were me. Besides, I’m so scared of mistakes, and all the time, I’m chasing myself in this crazy race of improvement. More, better, higher! I can’t stop. I can’t relax. In my darkest nightmares, people are saying that they’re disappointing.» — Anita shuddered. She stood up and pulled on her coat. «Philip was right; you can’t fix it. You destroyed two lives, and I didn’t mention the father. All bullshit which he had made it’s a result of your selfishness.» — she pulled out from wallet cash. — «Give Philip’s money back if you see him again. I’m gonna try to connect with him and explain everything, but I’m not sure he will answer. Thanks for this evening; now for me, a lot of things became clear.»
Sofia was sitting alone at the table for three. Music was playing somewhere. Several conversations were mixing up with each other. Her wristwatch stopped, lasagna cooled down, and Aperol lost its taste because the ice had melted.
On the right side, there were two women who didn’t care about all this family drama. One of them noticed the attractive waiter.
«Look at this handsome! He is married, I wonder?» — she said.
«Hm, don’t ask me. Just ordinary stuff.»
N.
